The Curtis Scale
Feb/105
During a recent sojourn across the US there was so much time for kibitzing that the conversation turned (during a very late night, cold drive from Austin, Texas to Las Cruces, New Mexico, if you must know) to a topic I’ve had ruminating in my head for some time. I’ve often thought that drinkers of all types are working their way through a series of gates from simple inebriation to, ultimately, utter despair.
I floated the idea past my colleagues suggesting the first of several steps. They were eager to chime in, helping illustrate, refuting, reworking and eventually refining a scale. That scale, not named by yours truly, was finally dubbed The Curtis Scale.
Before continuing, I must illustrate that these steps, though written in sequential fashion, aren’t always. For a good majority of us they’re non-linear. We skip forward, move back, do the hokey-pokey and…well, sometimes, live to regret.
1. Euphoria – the buzz and desire just arrived. More you say?
2. Social lubrication – I never meet a stranger except that blonde…”Hey!”
3. Amourous – Sometime “I love you man”, sometimes a palm collides with a face from the blonde
4. Escalation - “We should do shots!”, “This place isn’t good enough for us, we should go to ____”
5. Saturation – Just walk down any main thoroughfare in Las Vegas
6. Poor risk assesment - “You guys wanna go bungee jumping?!”
7. Destruction – the bar throws you out for breaking another glass/writing your name in the carpet with a pocket knife/starting a fight
8. Catastrophic reversal – you rush back into the bar to right the wrong of being thrown out.
9. Regret – place your hand over one eye to hold the headache back while promising to God/Allah/Denise Crosby you’ll never do it again.
10. Sorrow – The hospital bill arrived, your wife has thrown you out and Mike Tyson is mad at you for stealing his tiger
I dare you to tell me this scale is A) incomplete or B) inaccurate… I’m sure it could use some help. But, please, not from the inexperienced.
