Things Best Said

so, i definitely think i’m giving up smoking. but if anybody tries to pry that freakin’ coffee mug from my hand, I’ll kill ‘em.

so, tonight was the second time I “co-hosted” YML. It was….

what’s the place this side of terrible? I believe it’s just to the north of “fucking horrible” and east of “What the fuck?”

I don’t know. Maybe I’m being a bit hard on myself, but I’m just not a decent communicator when I know so little about the subject matter. It’s not that I don’t know Macs but I just have so little history when it comes to other things Mac-related. Hrmph!

I felt I was so ready today. got studied up on some new happenings of the day but I think I may have a hard time concentrating on two different things at once. I’m also responsible for doing the video stream for the show and I get lost in doing both. Double Hrmph!

I’m sure it’s not as bad as I thought, but it could have been better. At least I’m not deluding myself the other direction. Maybe I should stick to writing?

Dear you…you know who you are.

I miss you. I’ll be the first to admit that things weren’t always as they should have been. I regret why we didn’t work out, but I understand. We were just different people with different goals. It takes years for some, minutes for others, to comprehend the real scope of loss and love. We had such a good time together and I know that the world is not the same place and we are not the same people we once were, and I know that starting over would be painful. If you’re out there, if you read this I want you to know that I’ve been looking for you in someone else’s eyes and heart for years. They’ll never replace you.

I’d like to think that in my adult life, you were my first love. A true love not built on ceremony and physicality. Not a love of proximity. We [u]wanted[/u] to spend time with each other. We could talk about anything and nothing without a care. The others since you were just in passing, it seems.

I can’t promise a thing here in the future. I wish I could. That would be convenient, but untrue. I know, or feel I do, that i’ve learned a few things along the way. Life has taught me, knocked me and made me a stronger person. I’m still learning conviction and honesty and about my faith in the heart I hide, but aren’t we all? Don’t we keep learning these things? Isn’t life a set of lessons bound with strings of emotion, longing and happiness?

The persona we show to the outside world is jaded and set in motion, but inside we’re children crying to a mother for love, a father for shelter. These are things I was never willing to hide from you, never ashamed of showing you. Inside, I’m still a frightened child. I still try to look at the world in wonder from behind sarcastic and trepidatious eyes.

Even as the lines on my face get deeper and my hair gets grey and I’ll always wonder how you feel. Do you ever think of us? Do you remember us fondly? Are you, somewhere, still moved by those memories of us?

Call, write or send smoke signals. Things will continue without you, but not like it should. I do miss you.

fighting a cold/sinus thing while the weather is turning warmer sucks. I probably should stop smoking…again. Well, I guess that’s it. maybe more later.

is Crispin Glover insane or a genious? He’s got this new movie Willard coming out, but a slew of books and recordings… I just can’t get past “I poked her with a stick” and “Hey you, get your damn hands off her”.